Perking Up my Morning

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/Porn/3864694/story.html

I’m going to step out onto the proverbial ledge and say that if you’ve had enough caffeine to consider the beverage you’re drinking to be “porn in a cup” it’s time to say when.

What the heck does that mean anyway?  “Porn in a cup”?  When (IF) you get through ten shots of espresso, is there some naked pic waiting for you?  Or is it that after those ten shots you only hallucinate the nudie at the bottom of the cup?

And what’s the story with the age limit?  Clearly this guy hasn’t met a bonafide professional java drinker.  My 79 year-old, full-blooded Swede father could drink this 37 year-old douche under the table with hardly an effort…at 11:00pm…with a tennis game scheduled for 7:00 the next morning...that he’d be a half-hour early for...(Okay, that last part is a lie.  My father will be late for his own funeral, but that has nothing to do with the coffee he drank the night before and everything to do with his apparent need to be perpetually late everywhere he goes.)

Here’s the thing.  I’m not against espresso porn.  *holds up right hand, placing left hand on pile* I swear on a stack of happy, wrestling puppies.  (Hey, I say whatever floats your cup.)  But while I like my coffee as much as my Swedish heritage dictates, I will admit a tremendous weakness when it comes to over-caffeination.  Too much gives me the quivers...

Oooooooohhhhh…

Now, I get it.

Hmm.  Gotta run and get to bed now so I can get up a few minutes earlier.  I think I hear Alterra calling me to make a stop on the way into work tomorrow morning.  Hey!  I'm a scientist at heart, and any good science nerd will tell you that empirical evidence is god.  Let you know how things go…

maybe…

or not.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

Dude, I didn’t like her dancing either.  But I did learn object permanence as a child.  Shoot your TV and all that happens (among other things, say, arrest and a major adjustment of your bipolar meds) is that you break your TV.  Probably permanently.  Bristol the Pistol Palin will still exist and will still be cutting a rug in the finals of “Dancing with the Stars”.

Look, I completely agree with you, man.  Bristol Palin can’t dance.  At all.  She doesn’t even look like she’s trying or that she remotely likes what she’s doing.  (Although in her defense, who likes doing something they suck at?)  And those making the argument that she’s improved over the season is like saying that as Castro has aged he’s become kinder (course in terms of dictatorship, unlike Palin and dancing, Fidel is a diabolical master so perhaps this isn’t the best of analogies…my apologies).  

Regardless, when your mama is the queen of folksy rhetoric, you betcha don’t need no dancing feet, kiddo.  You can bank on your last name, the fact that you’re being a “good girl” (now, anyway, well, minus the stilted, albeit dirty, naughtiness you’ve been attempting to portray in the skimpy outfits on the show), and just know your mama's political following will keep you in the running. 

And not to bring up a sore subject for The Pistol, but I've got to wonder if there’s a real reason for her extra poundage as the season progressed (when all the other dancers have actually lost weight)?  No.  No, no, no, that can’t be right.  She’s pledged abstinence.  And we know she’s as great at keeping her knees together as she is at dancing so...

The fact is it’s a moot point anyway.  Talent doesn’t matter in a popularity contest, Mr. Cowen.  The people ditched Brandy, a far more skillful dancer, in favor of a stiffer, clearly more uncomfortable Palin, which no doubt was greatly upsetting to you as you probably misunderstood and thought this was a dancing competition.  Who could blame you for taking out your own television?

So curiosity gets the best of me here.  Were you trying to take out Palin?  Huh.  If so, which one?  Mama Palin (ooo, confusing) with her perfectly plasticized coif (clearer?) who had her butt firmly planted in an audience chair?  Or Mama Palin (keeping with the theme) with her perfectly plasticized coif (yeah, not so much clearer), who pretended she had a clue about dancing?  Either way, apparently you’re not into tea…

Here’s a tip, in the event the police release you before next week’s season finale, my friend.  Find yourself a K-4 instructor to help you work with the idea that just because your TV goes away, doesn’t mean the girl on the set does.  I’d hate for you to take out the big screen in your local bar in an attempt to stop Bristol from winning the whole damned thing.  Wrecks the bar experience for your fellow patrons, not to mention that they’ll put you away for a very long time for that kind of crazy shit.

Yeah, right now I’m feeling mighty proud to be from the same great state of Wisconsin as you, Steve.  Oh, and can you please remember, your meds only work if you take them properly...

http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2010/11/new-details-man-upset-with-bristol-palins-dancing-shoots-tv-leading-swat-standoff