I’m on a quest.
I’m damned determined to turn my life around this year. Seems over the past ten, or so, I’ve become a little…complacent (reads: lazy), and I’m done with that unproductive nonsense now. What happened to that little fireball who had way too much on her plate, but moved mountains anyway?? Where did personality “A” go and when did “B” arrive?? I’m not upset about feeling less stressed in my life, but I think when you’re naturally an “A” personality, and you trade it in for a “B” personality, it manifests itself as depression and laziness. Lord knows I’ve been both for quite some time now.
All right. Enough whining; time to get Stella’s groove back. It’s going to take a series of steps, and I’m just the girl to break those down. Today, step one.
First stop: remove cellulite (and the 30 pounds that goes with it) off my ass without an invasive visit to the liposuction center.
Seems easy enough. Burn more calories than you take in. Only that was a much easier venture in my younger years (you youngins, keep your gym appointments!) than it is at the ripe ole age of 45. No matter. I’m the kind of gal that isn’t going to give in to aging. No way, Josephina. You can’t have my booty.
Burn more calories than you take in. Check.
I suppose that means I should know what I’m taking in so that I know what I need to burn off.
Did you know that a teeny piece of chocolate has 60-some odd calories? WTF? Who knew? (Okay, maybe some of you knew because you were “A” enough to actually look at the back of the Dove package, but we quasi-“B” types like to be able to read that fun, inspiring, little message on the inside of the wrapper while allowing that creamy goodness to melt in our mouths guilt-free. Calorie count = guilt; ergo, dump those gems into the candy dish and throw away the package they came in: zero knowledge = zero remorse.)
Except what you don’t know can hurt you, especially as I look at the muffin rising its puffy badness around my waist. (I would have addressed the sausages packed into my pants, but the muffin top, thankfully, blocks that view.) To eliminate the cellulite, I need to burn off more than I take in. Yes. There’s the key! Burn off more than I take in…
Been keeping the appointments with the trainer, but this cellulite stuff is tough. (She can attest to that since she puts up with my constant meowing about the stubborn fat in places it should never exist that just won’t go away.) Had to get really serious, so I started keeping a food journal of daily caloric consumption, too. (How very “A” of me.) Except there was nothing unusual there. Keeping all consumption under control. Now what? Time to get creative with the burn.
After this morning’s stationary bike ride inside (on the big map of Hell the “you are here” arrow points at Wisconsin in winter), I wasn’t sure how many calories I burned so off I went onto the internet where Mr. Google found me the most magical tool ever: the calorie counter.
See the magic for yourself. http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/weight-loss/caloric-needs-calculator/?ordersrc=google01caloriesburned&s_kwcid=TC|6020|burning%20calories||S||6674058178 With so many choices to pick from, I realized quite quickly that I could be burning calories in so many other creative ways than just hitting the elliptical or riding the bike to no where.
Like now? While I’m typing to you? 70 calories per hour. (Talk about inspiration to my real writer friends! PS. That’s 70 for old-school, pen and paper writing, too!)
105 burned in a half-hour of vacuuming. (HELLO?!? Guess whose house is getting cleaned when she’s done typing this??) Playing with my dogs gets a fantastic 140 calories per hour. (Fun for me, fun for them. Course I’ll have to wake them to do this. They’re no more fond of Wisconsin than I am. Winter = hibernation.)
Choices, choices. Course, if I’m being honest, one caught the eye of my 13 year-old inner boy-child. 210 burned off in an hour of sex. Yeah, baby. These are the revelations that make great, albeit skinny, mated relationships! Fairly certain my hubby’s going to like coming home from work everyday given my inner boy-child's gold nugget discovery. Hopefully my man doesn’t feel taken advantage of…well, you know, it is for a good cause: the elimination of cellulite from the planet…I think he’ll be all right with it…
Well, I’ve burned off almost 50 calories already (not counting my ride this morning), and I’ve got some vacuuming to do before I burn a few more calor…er, get a few more things done around here. Want to be ready for the extra 210 later this evening…
Holy crap. I just realized something. *cue angelic chorus* Sex everyday = three pieces of chocolate everyday and I'll be running a surplus burn!! Sex and chocolate on a negative calorie shift?!? Life just keeps getting better and better. I think I’m going to like inviting “A” back into the fold...
Hey, how you burning your calories today??
