Corporations are people, Mitt? http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/la-pn-romney-state-fair-20110811,0,1863810.story I’m not sure what disturbs me more…that you said it, or that the comment “earned [you] a sustained round of applause”. Stupid is as stupid does? Hmm.
Should it surprise me that you and your cronies at Standard and Poor want to fuck with the world economy, too? Nope, it doesn’t. But here’s why you’re all heading south…FAAAAR south my friend. You aren’t allowed to criticize someone else, or pretend like you are deserving of some self-served, sleazy patting of yourself on your own back for any credit rating that’s been issued by people you keep in your back pocket, asshat. http://www.seasonalmagazine.com/2011/08/s-downgrade-of-us-debt-5-reasons-why-it.html Can you say conflict of interest? *eye roll*
Yes, dear reader, it’s times like these that I am SO happy that at the end of my days I am going to Hell…
First, all the really cool (albeit poor) kids are going. It isn’t going to just be those hateful dumbasses like Michelle Bachmann, George W., Rummy, Walker, and Mitt. (Rumor has it that Sarah’s petitioning for Heaven…course that’ll probably go as well as her previous vice-presidential bid. No worries, I’ll save you a seat, Pretty Princess…NOT. You’ll stand and sweat like a lipsticked pig in the heat like the rest of us and like it.)
Truth is, in Moo Hell, I don’t even want them there…which is precisely why they’ll be there. And why I’ll be there to irritate them in retaliation. Talk about a hellacious symbiotic relationship! (You can’t be condemned to Hell and not have it be…well…Hell. It’s the whole point of the thing. No red wine and stuck with Pretty Princess Palin. It’s the crystal clear definition of it...probably for both of us.)
But I'm not even talking about the evil minions that actually belong there; some of us will probably end up there due to stupid shit done whilst under the influence at some point in our lives. (I’ve got stories…damn, one that comes to mind involves two besties from back in the day—both of whom shall remain nameless to spare the quasi-innocent—an unknowing chaperone—also nameless—and a pair or two of pantyhose used for questionable means. What do you want?? We were in our twenties, married, bombed and ready for trouble. But I digress…)
So, cool kids + booze-soaked sin = Hell-bound? Check. It’s nice to know, that in part, I’ll be amongst close friends.
Reason number two: it gives me an opportunity to demonstrate my leadership abilities (and the fact that I really can be mean as…well…Hell). When I arrive, I am planning to tell the guy dressed in red to get the fuck out of my chair. “You’ve been mishandling Hell, Beelzebub, and I’m gonna show you how it’s done proper, pally.” Mitt? Is your seat warm enough? No? I’ll turn it up, honey. Michelle? Meet your new wife Sarah. I figured you’d be happy because I hooked you up with someone with which you have something in common. (You’re both homophobic, antifeminist, political freak wannabes.)
Finally…y’all gotta know that with my love for heat I’m gonna decide how hot it’s going to be. And it’s gonna be scorching, kiddies. Just how Mama Satana likes it. Those of you riding on my rocket sled with the super-duper turbo-boosters should be sure to pack light because Hell’s gone clothing optional (which, when I think of it, could be everyone’s personal Hell in one way or another).
Yeah, Me + Hell = Good Times. Oh, and if a Mr. G. Reaper shows up, knocking with a special ticket for you, don’t let the turbo-boostered toboggan disturb you. Light speed is the best way to go. Everyone knows the anticipation of the ride is the worst part anyway. Besides, if you’re reading this, no worries for you anyway. You’re probably already in good with the new sheriff in town…
