2010: Year ender

2010 Year-ender

We’re going to be shifting the focus here, folks.  I can only wait so long for idiots to be idiots and pour out their moogly into the mostly yellow media something noteworthy of my blogging time, yet in the meantime, a girl’s gotta write.  So this blog (along with many upcoming) will just be that till I can get my act together and put together a different blog (linked here, of course) that can keep my random thoughts separate from those media debacles that I surmise deserve your attention.  *Prepares to enter in her own thoughts, ideas, commentary on whatever the hell she feels like writing about here.* 

Read at your own risk, I say.  You may be amused.  Or may be irritated.  Or may be even perplexed.  But hopefully, at least after I get my footing, you won’t be bored…

As I sit here sipping my Jai Alai (beer found only here in the Tampa area…sorry, Swedish folk who wanted some…it’s all mine now because I’m smart enough not to live in the frozen lands where you can’t get any), waiting not-so-patiently for a world-famous, Eric-made espresso martini (apparently he’s taking a little nap-break…or at least that’s what we’re calling it now), I realize a rather important fact about the year 2010. 

This year kind of sucked.

-Watched a sibling die of cancer…brain cancer, no less.  You really don’t know fun until you have to introduce yourself to your eldest brother, only to find out that while he may not know your name, somehow in his head, he has turned you into his savior from the hospice.  Your visits facilitate his packing of his very meager belongings (as well as the belongings of many other residents, nursing staff, etc) so that “we can get outta here as quick as possible”.  Telling that sib that he isn’t going anywhere evoked a rather…negative response, which in turn resulted in a new style of driving—the sob and speed. 

It’s painful to struggle through the aftermath of each visit, hoping that next time he will A) remember who the fuck you really are, B) realize the only way he is leaving is at the end of his game, and C) know how to spell his own name so you don’t have to spell it for him so that he can find his own room and not want to move to the “Soviet Room North”. (Never did figure out where the Soviet Room South was.)  None of the alphabet ever came to fruition, though eventually, the tumors took over enough of his brain that he lacked consciousness, which meant that A, B, and C were a moot point anyway…a curse and a blessing.  (I remembered getting into a serious panic because I couldn’t remember what color his eyes were, knowing full well I would never know at least not from looking into them ever again.  Tough.)

In the end, it was my sister and myself, flanked in recliners, listening to and counting the seconds between each wheeze, until the count overcame the breaths enough to call in the staff to pronounce him gone.  I guess in this way, his little sister did help him exit the hospice, at least in some profound, spiritual way.  This occurred in June, though the consumption of my life from his death, at least for me, lasted for many months afterwards.  Perhaps it always will.

-The job had its sucky, dreadful moments, too (in fact, both my mate and I had our share of struggles).  Good thing we have a fantastic collective sense of humor.  It was what got us through the year.  I’d like fairness and decorum to be brought back with the economy.

-Didn’t do much writing this year.  I get that I don’t get a choice now though.  I get that the Universe isn’t letting me off the hook that easy.  But I also get that I don’t have a vision, a mission, or the inner sense of the quest.  I’m not giving up yet.  I guess.  Stay tuned.

But all things said and done, as sucky as this year was and challenging and lacking in amusement, I still have to say I’m thankful.  No.  Not just thankful.  That’s such a weak word.  Grateful.  Deeply so.  Here’s why…

I am married to my best friend.  Lord knows, we’ve had our challenges, but that friendship has kept us together all these years and will continue to do so until we check out of this Hotel California, skipping hand in hand in a tandem diving event in our not-so-near future.

I have, hands down, the best family ever.  My daughter is the most thoughtful, fun, loving, family-oriented, devoted loyal person on the planet, and my son is my Zen, the mellow to my freaking out, the guy that can talk me off just about any ledge (and believe me, if there’s a ledge on the planet, I’ve found it this year!)  I have a new bestest friend I call my sister, and her family has become some of the most beloved people I have ever know.  My surviving brother has completely re-engaged our family, and we’re all finding out what an incredible guy he has become over the years.  My parents are working hard to stay connected, to remind me that I am loved and that I matter, that we all matter.  Extended family—I’m with cousins and aunt and uncle right now in Florida—who embrace me like their own.  (They all do, actually, not just the Florida folks.)  I have always been made to feel like part of them all.

            Sidebar:  I love a typical discussion that goes like this:

            Nicole: Hey, Rochelle, it’s only going to be 65 tomorrow in Tallahassee.

            Me:  It’s only going to be 65?

            Nicole: Yeah, only 65.

I need to move here.  Pronto.  *Writes note to self—Make plan to move to Florida before the next winter season.*

I have very few friends, but those few that I have are G O L D E N.  I could not live without them.  I could not exist without them.  You know who you are, and you know that I breathe everyday because of your love, kindness, and devotion.  You are as much my family as if you had been born of the same blood.  Know that I am lucky you have chosen me.  And I am forever marveled and humbled that you have allowed me to choose you.

I have a job.  In an economy where people are struggling, I have a day job.  My hubby has a day job.  We don’t have to be madly in love with what we do to know that our jobs allow us to do what we are in love with doing.  We are fortunate.  I know this and am extremely grateful.

So while this year really sucked, and believe me, it did, it was only a year of my life; and I can do anything for a year…a year that ends tonight at twelve bells (EST for me).  Tomorrow, I start anew.  I start by setting the goals for the year.  And barring anything idiotic happening here in Tampa before I write tomorrow’s Moos Report, you—my dearest reader—will be the first to know what those are.  Because everyone knows the only way you make sure that you maintain your focus and drive is through telling everyone you know and allowing them to hold you accountable.  *gulp*

So, yes.  While sucky, I’m very okay with being grateful for 2010.  Next year, though, watch out.  This girl is motivated to move mountains.  It’s gonna be a big ole “M” year.

Happy New Year, kiddies.  May 2011 be as fantastic for you as I just know it will for me.  See you in the morning, after I’ve “polar plunged” into the Gulf…