*blink*
*blink*
To be honest, when I read the headline, I thought maybe this
woman was making an example of her 13 year old son. You know, the whole tough love bit? The “you’re always taking stuff that isn’t
yours so now I’m toasting your tart” parenting gem in an attempt to adjust the
child’s offending ways? I could get
behind that.
Reading on, however, we find out maybe Tash isn’t going to win this
year’s award for Sparkling Role Model nor Mother of the Year. But what she might win is even better: the almost
always coveted Ms. Most Crazy Food Obsession 2013.
Her intense love for the Tart may seem odd to some, I suppose,
but not to me, although my wheat sensitivities and diligent calorie counting
keep me away from the perfectly frosted, faux-fruit confection. And while Tarts are crossed from my list, don’t
you worry! I have a whole collection of “speed dial 911 on your thieving ass”
foods because I am a super-huge fan of eating.
Anyway, here’s a few of mine that will get you tossed in the
clink for such thievery:
1. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Chocolate and peanut butter. Seriously simplistic, yet a delicately
blended balance of sweet and salty.
Sneak a cup, and I’ll be visiting you at the hoosegow. Two, and I might just let you rot there…forever…
2. Chester Cheetah Puffy Cheetos.
Most perfect snack ever created.
Ever. Puffies, due to their melt
in your mouth quality, are far superior to the crunchy variety. Healthy?
Of course! Puffies have dietary
fiber, protein, Vitamin A, and iron, too.
Just be sure to lick the cheesy goodness off your busted-by-those-blaze-orange
fingers before you dial that one phone call.
You don’t know who’s dialed out before you, and you sure don’t want to
waste any deliciousness…
3. Bacon. Yes, I’ll
admit bacon is an unusual food to find on a vegetarian’s send-you-up-the-river-for-stealing-my-grub
list, but bacon is how we know that God exists, and sometimes we have to honor
our connection to our Maker. Besides
it’s the “gateway” meat; everyone who’s anyone
knows that. It’s flawlessness in a
greasy strip. If you’re lucky, the coppers will let you off for good behavior,
and by that I mean you’ve fried up another pound. Crispy, please…
4. Red wine. Wine is too a food. It’s fruit that’s been left in a
cup to overly ripen. According to the
new food pyramid, one should consume at least two daily servings. Steal my vino, and I’ll make sure you do hard
time. It’s a matter of health after all…
5. Coffee. Made from
the coffee bean. *smirk* One needs to understand the clear and present
danger regarding my devotion to my pot of black gold. I won’t turn you in to the police for swiping
my joe, but they won’t ever find your body either…
See, Ms. Love? There
are those of us out there who get your impeccably sound rationale for squealing
your son out to the boys in blue. This
is how children learn where their boundaries are. They learn what doesn’t belong to them, doesn't belong to them. They learn that Mom is always right. And, well,
they learn that batshit crazy folks aren’t always living on the next block but often sleep under the same roof. No worries,
honey. My kids turned out just fine. Your son will, too.
Hmm, I guess there’s going to be a real competition for the
title this year, eh? At least I look
stellar in a sash and tiara…
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