MEMO
To: All Arachnids
far and wide, but mostly the super-venomous ones that live in Brazil
From: The world’s
most dedicated arachnophobe EVER
Subject: Get the
fuck out of my banana
CC: God and
everyone
It has come to my attention that you have decided to take up
residence in people’s bananas. What the
hell is wrong with you? Wasn’t it enough
that you hide out in closets, under beds, in shoes, in basements and in every
other damn “jump out and scare us (or worse, bite us)” place?
You can’t just drop in our pieholes while we’re mouth-agape sleeping?? You have to hide out in our
bananas now? What? You got bored with the typical angle for spider attacks? And aren’t there enough animals in Brazil to take
down? You have to resort to traveling to
foreign countries to git ‘er done, you obnoxious overachievers??
You need to get the fuck out of my banana, mmmkay? And by getting the fuck out, what I mean to
say is…don’t get the fuck in it in the
first place, not get the fuck out by
hatching your brood all over my kitchen table.
No hurt feelings, okay?
I don’t hate you or anything like that.
Just…stay in Brazil…where I never
have to visit. Thanks.
MEMO
To: All people
far and wide, but mostly the people who buy Brazilian bananas
From: A crabby
crabberton
Subject: The
importance of buying local
CC: Anyone who
will listen, Brazilian wandering spiders
Buy local and this shit will only happen to people who are
already familiar with dealing with super-venomous spiders that live in
Brazil...AKA: Brazilians. I'm just glad I don’t live in the UK.
The end.
PS. If you’re Brazilian and a wandering spider, remember
what Dorothy said? If you ever go looking
for your heart's desire again, don’t look any further than your own backyard;
because if it isn't there, you should, respectfully, stay the fuck out of
foreigners’ bananas…well, or something like that...
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